The Five Stages Of Drunkenness.

Why A Beer Is Better Than Women

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

STAGE 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe.You know you know everything and you you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

STAGE 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

STAGE 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also start buying drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

STAGE 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up the girlfriends of the men who fancy you and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway.

STAGE 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the women who fancy you because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Why A Beer Is Better Than Women

• 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
• 2. Beer stains wash out.
• 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
• 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
• 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
• 6. Beer is never late.
• 7. HANGOVERS go away.
• 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
• 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
• 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
• 11. Beer never has a headache.
• 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
• 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
• 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
• 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
• 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
• 17. You can share a beer with your friends.
• 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
• 19. A beer is always wet.
• 20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
• 21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
• 22. You can have a beer in public.
• 23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
• 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
• 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
• 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
• 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
• 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
• 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
• 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
• 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
• 32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
• 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
• 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
• 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
• 36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
• 37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
• 38. Beer doesn't have morals.
• 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
• 40. Beer always listens and never argues.
• 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
• 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
• 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
• 44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
• 45. Beer is never overweight.
• 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
• 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
• 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
• 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
• 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
• 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
• 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
• 53. Beer never changes its mind.
• 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
• 55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
• 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
• 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
• 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
• 59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
• 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
• 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
• 62. Beer NEVER says no.
• 63. Beer is easy to get into.
• 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
• 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
• 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
• 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
• 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
• 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
• 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
• 71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
• 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
• 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
• 74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
• 75. A beer won't make you go to church.
• 76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
• 77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
• 78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
• 79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
• 80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
• 81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
• 82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
• 83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
• 84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
• 85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
• 86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
• 87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
• 88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
• 89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
• 90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
• 91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
• 92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
• 93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
• 94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
• 95. Beer tastes *good*.
• 96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
• 97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
• 98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
• 99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
• 100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it.
• 101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
• 102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
• 103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
• 104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
• 105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
• 106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
• 107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.

  Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

  ---

  You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  Job interferring with your drinking.
  Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  *Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!*
  *When you can focus better with one eye closed.*
  The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  Every woman you see has an exact twin.
  You fall off the floor...
  Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  The glass keeps missing your mouth!
  At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
  The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
  Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
  I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
  Roseanne looks good.
  Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
  BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
  

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